Trust

One of the hardest things that I’ve come to terms with lately is the fact that I don’t trust myself anymore. I don’t trust myself to know what I really want and where I should be going with my professional life. Maybe this is all based on my current job situation. Okay, so, um, I didn’t do my homework on my current job well enough. It's an understatement that I've got job searcher's remorse, and I’ve been kicking my own butt ever since.

I thought I had made my transition from last job to my current job the right way. I figured if I got a new opportunity that it would just be the right situation for me…but I was wrong. Now I’ve got these “fears” (I’m beginning to hate the word “fear”):

What if I hate my next job too?

What if I am one of those people who’s just a frickin’ complainer?

What if I NEVER find a job that I’d like to do AND that will actually pay a living wage (and I do mean a NYC-living-I-can-pay-my-student-loans-and-afford-a-mortgage-and-occasionally-satisfy-my-J.Crew-shopping-cravings-wage)?

I’m not gonna spend this post completely beating myself up about my job decision and completely giving over to my fear. I WILL admit what I did wrong to you (which I hate because it makes me look dumb). I could have made my decision about my current job in a much better way. First and foremost, I could have asked the right questions. DUH!!! Sometimes the obvious things that we need to do really aren’t. I wish I’d have asked questions about my boss’ management style, what she wanted out of her underlings (me), yadda, yadda, yadda. Do bosses even want to answer questions about their management style and philosophy? I think they should. (If any of you readers are bosses, I’d love to hear from you about this). Heck, I could have even asked questions about what I was going to ACTUALLY going to be working on (the topics not the job responsibilities...I do occasionally know what I am doing). I also did ask some of these questions, but I didn’t follow up and push to really get the answers that I needed. I just figured that it would all work itself out. Clearly. Not.

I need to work on this phrase that I TRY (although obviously not very well) to live by: I am where I am supposed to be when I am supposed to be there. Maybe that's a way to rebuild my trust with myself.