Trust

One of the hardest things that I’ve come to terms with lately is the fact that I don’t trust myself anymore. I don’t trust myself to know what I really want and where I should be going with my professional life. Maybe this is all based on my current job situation. Okay, so, um, I didn’t do my homework on my current job well enough. It's an understatement that I've got job searcher's remorse, and I’ve been kicking my own butt ever since.

I thought I had made my transition from last job to my current job the right way. I figured if I got a new opportunity that it would just be the right situation for me…but I was wrong. Now I’ve got these “fears” (I’m beginning to hate the word “fear”):

What if I hate my next job too?

What if I am one of those people who’s just a frickin’ complainer?

What if I NEVER find a job that I’d like to do AND that will actually pay a living wage (and I do mean a NYC-living-I-can-pay-my-student-loans-and-afford-a-mortgage-and-occasionally-satisfy-my-J.Crew-shopping-cravings-wage)?

I’m not gonna spend this post completely beating myself up about my job decision and completely giving over to my fear. I WILL admit what I did wrong to you (which I hate because it makes me look dumb). I could have made my decision about my current job in a much better way. First and foremost, I could have asked the right questions. DUH!!! Sometimes the obvious things that we need to do really aren’t. I wish I’d have asked questions about my boss’ management style, what she wanted out of her underlings (me), yadda, yadda, yadda. Do bosses even want to answer questions about their management style and philosophy? I think they should. (If any of you readers are bosses, I’d love to hear from you about this). Heck, I could have even asked questions about what I was going to ACTUALLY going to be working on (the topics not the job responsibilities...I do occasionally know what I am doing). I also did ask some of these questions, but I didn’t follow up and push to really get the answers that I needed. I just figured that it would all work itself out. Clearly. Not.

I need to work on this phrase that I TRY (although obviously not very well) to live by: I am where I am supposed to be when I am supposed to be there. Maybe that's a way to rebuild my trust with myself.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?/The Difference Between Time vs. Money

I haven’t written in awhile not because there is anything to write. In fact, there’s too much.

I have a lot on my mind and one of the biggest being whether or not I should quit my job. Yes, I just wrote that. Yes, I know that we’re in the worst recession since the Great Depression and that many people are clamoring for a job right now. I work in government, so I know how bad the economy is (It's bad, my people). Yes, you're never supposed to leave a job without having another lined up. I know all of the job "rules." I am still talkin' “crazy,” and I really don't care how irrational it may sound.

Right now, I'm at the point where I'm sometimes up at night staring at the ceiling thinking about where I'm supposed to be next. I get random little mini-anxiety attacks in the middle of the day. What happens if I leave? What if I don't find a job for a year or more? What will possible future employers say about me leaving this job so soon after I've started? What will I do with all of that time especially since for the first time since being 5 years-old I have no frickin' idea what I would do? Plain and simple, would leaving result in me FUBAR-ing my career?

Because I make lists for darn near everything (do you think I can paid for that?), I made a pros and cons list about leaving my job.

Staying at Ye Olde Job until July/October

Pros	Cons
1. I will have a job and income until July or October	1. I will spend another year doing something that I am uninterested topically/not moving forward. I feel like I am wasting my time.
2. It looks good to have two years (or close to two years) on the job for the resume. Employers will not ask as many questions.	2. If Jim (my husband and not his real name) and I are thinking about trying to have kids at some point in the next couple of years, I want to be established in a new job before we do so.

Leaving in December if I DO NOT have a job of any kind

Pros	Cons
1. I will have full time to look for what I want to do. Possibly take courses, etc.	1. We will have considerably less income or savings coming in
2. I will not have to live somewhere else/travel for a half year	2. With this economy no idea how long it will take me to get another job
3. I will not have to deal with Boss Lady and this stupid department	3. Depending on how long it takes to find a job, I will need to explain to prospective employers about only being at my job for 14 months.

By leaving now, I avoid the the weekly travel for six months out of the year that is an integral part of my job and that wrings the life out of me. Work travel doesn't have to be all that bad. I know lots of people do it. Here's why it sucks for me:

1. I can't move around on my own - I live in a city with public transport and travel each week to a suburban place. The only real way I have to get around is with my coworkers in our car. That means I eat where they eat, and I go where they go.

2. We're not exactly going to the most interesting of place each week. I go to the same place. There's not much there to do. Sorry to say it, but it's the truth.

3. I miss my friends, my husband and my home. That's pretty damn important.

In the end this decision boils down to time and money. Am I willing to sacrifice the time that I will spend working at a job that is not pushing me in the right direction for the security of income and piling up time on my resume? In some ways, I feel like time is something that I will never get back.

By the way, did I tell you I would need to give my notice in a week at the latest? Oh yeah....that too.

Thirty-Something Nothing? Maybe Not...

Why did I name this blog "Tales of a Thirty Something Nothing?" Well, it's kinda complicated, but ain't it completely. First of all, some lady who doesn't blog very often already took thirtysomethingnothing.blogspot.com. DAMN YOU! :) But seriously, I don't have self-esteem problems. I also try to practice gratefulness, although that's not going so well lately.

I've got so many wonderful things in my life: a great husband and healthy, sweet albeit occasionally crazy family (okay, just my Mom), a lovely home, and the ability to pay my student loans on time each month. Who could ask for anything more?

SO why do I actually feel like I am Thirty Something Nothing? Well, I've done most of what you're supposed to do when it comes to life but especially career, and I woke up about a month ago, a recent newlywed, a relatively "successful" person by society's standards...but not to me. For the first time in my life I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but this time the joke's on me. I'm a grown up! I would like to think that professionally I would have at least found a groove, a calling, a career or even a job that I actually like, but instead I've gone the opposite route. Right now I'm in my first job as a recovered lawyer, and I surely don't like it (more on that later). I've got no sure path and no real direction. For someone who naively declared at nine years-old that she wanted to be a lawyer and actually did become one, not knowing what to do next is pretty frightening.

All of this is pretty embarrassing to me. I'm 32! Not 23! Shouldn't I have figured this all out by now?! More importantly, why don't I have a plan, a path or a faint idea of what to do? I don't do well looking bad in front of others, but perhaps being public about my struggle will help light a fire under me.

So I'm inviting you on a journey with me as I figure out what I am going to do with my professional life. I don't want this blog to be a major whine-fest 'cause who the heck wants to read that? If anything, it will be my observations about my work/professional life as it changes literally on the daily; and maybe some things about being a newlywed ('cause you can only be prepared so much for marriage). I'll also share what I am learning about myself and my relationship to work

This journey will not always be pretty, and I'll try to be as honest as I can. Please stick with me. I'll need some company.

Thanks for coming along for the ride.