WeVerb Day 1 - Word

Hey there!!! I'm out there! I haven't abandoned this blog. I think I am going to try to write more next year. I keep saying that, don't I? I'll be honest about why I don't write here more. It's hard. It's hard to be struggling and write about it especially when my life is soo good. Great marriage (at least I think so), surrounded by wonderful creature comforts, solid family and only minor health issues. What more could I need?

Anyway, I decided to participate in WeVerb 11. It's a collective blogger initiative where I will be reflecting on my year each day. Let's hope I can keep up with this AND my close out my main blog with a bang.

Here's Day 1's prompt:

Choose one word. Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why. Imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you? My word would be: STASIS - a state of stability, in which all forces are equal, therefore they cancel each other out. This really is my year in one word. I think this has to be. Read what I just read above. I am so grateful for my life right now. Financially we're doing well as a family. Jim's, my husband (not his real name) career is doing really well. I see my friends excelling and moving forward with their lives personally and professionally. There have been marriages, births, new jobs, big breakthroughs and promotions for the people around me. Yet, here I am in many respects having only inched forward this year. I have made very little, if any, movement towards building my new professional self. I've worked on quite a few things including consulting, my secret project and exploring entrepreneurship. I feel like despite all of the awful things happening in the world at large, I've got it pretty good even if my life isn't what I'd like it to be. So, I guess everything just cancels itself out. The good isn't outweighing the bad and vice versa. I'm just here. :) "Here" ain't so bad.

For 2012, I'd like my word to be: propulsion

I hope 2012 is about moving forward. Period.

I Needed this This Morning/Thank you, Steve Jobs

Truly inspirational. Say what you want about Apple products, Steve Jobs loved what he did. His passion and vision were really evident in everything that he spearheaded for Apple. His commencement speech at Stanford in the video below is really food for thought.

Thanks, Steve Jobs. RIP.

Do You Want to Work?

Do you see the title of this post? Someone that I have known for a long time asked me this this weekend.

What I want to understand is what is it about me that suggests that I don't want to work? I have to somehow forgive this woman. She has only had very prestigious jobs that she has floated from one to the next. Part of me thinks that she thinks that I have not gotten where I like would like to be because I simply don't want to work. There are so many ways that I find that question insulting that I don't even know where to begin.

One of the things I've learned is that people who have never struggled with career issues just have no idea about what it's like for those of us who do.

I really did want to reach across the table and throttle this woman. Sometimes we have to throttle the ones we love? :)

I do want to work just in case you're wondering.

Passion

It's been months. I know...some thought about passion in the vlog below.

What do you think? How do you define passion?

To 2011!

What up, everybody!! Can you believe that it's New Year's Eve?! I can't. I also can't believe that I left my job ONE YEAR AGO! CRAZY!!! This is has been a hard year, but in many ways, a good one. I can't feel anything but blessed and very fortunate even during the times I don't feel as good about my circumstances as I'd like.

Anyway, here's my latest vlog:

Happy New Year to you all! I wish you clarity, joy and peace for 2011!

Should I Party...

like it's my birthday?!!! Well, it is just that. Today is my 33rd birthday. Good lord, that was hard to write. Sigh....Anyway, I talk more about my birthday in this vlog.

Here's a link to my other blog where I posted my 33 things for my 33rd year. Enjoy!

I'm off to not think about the future but enjoy this great day and figure out where I am eating tonight. :)

I Can Do Better

So last week I totally had a public meltdown. Technically, this is my space to fall apart and not my other blog, Try Anything Once (yes, I can totally plug my own blog, thank you very much).

As I am sure you've seen here, I think it is perfectly fine to hit rock bottom once in awhile. I've been allowing myself to wallow in my own mental toilet. Yuck! I surely did wallow waaaay too much last week. Yet even before my little mini-breakdown, I think I was already on my way back.

It's not unusual for me to wallow just a tad, but I shouldn't feel this way. Why? Well, I like to think of myself as a person of faith, and I have not been exhibiting that to myself or by writing my craptastic post last week. By the way, based on Site Meter, it was the most read post I've ever had on my other blog. Can you imagine that?!

Lots of the things I've been reading lately have been reminding me to trust where I am and that God (Universe, Allah, Shiva, etc.) is working things out on my behalf. It's one of those things that I know, BUT I have learned recently that I am not doing a very good job putting it into practice.

Yet something caught my attention this past week during my church's weekly sermon. The visiting pastor mentioned that sometimes we go through trials and periods of upheaval not only for ourselves but also for others. It made me think a lot about my mother who has been unemployed for a little over a year now. (I have not mentioned it here 'cause you all know that I am relatively private). She was laid off of her job of over 25 years last year. She's having a hard time assessing what to do next after being at one workplace for so long. Unlike me, she does not have a multiple degrees or 30 plus years left in the workforce. While there are a variety of issues at work here, I know that it's been a hard road for her so far.

It got me to thinking that maybe I've got to keep myself together for her. I usually don't share my frustrations with my mother, but I feel like I've got to step it up for her (be a better role model and also perhaps eventually a provider)....and perhaps maybe I need to step it up for all of you too? Now let me say that I am no martyr or anyone particularly special. I am just crazy enough to write a blog post from time to time. I know that there are some of you out there going through job searches, having your own 30's life shifts, thinking about taking own projects and businesses, etc. I know that you read this blog. I want you all to know that I've got to be a better for you all too. We're all going to get through whatever it is we're dealing with currently. The change we seek will happen maybe not when we want it to, but it will. I think we'll all be a bit better for it. :)

Anyway, this was just a post to say that I can do better and plan to (and I have been...I've been meaning to write a post about entrepreneurship issues that I've been working through). Also feel free to call me out if I am not handling my business in terms of being forward-thinking and positive about what I've undertaken here. I'm serious! :)

My Girl Monica

I am sure you all think that I have been doing this process of career exploration completely and totally by myself because I'm clearly doing this super well. Nope!

I actually do have some help. I've been working with a career transition coach named Monica. Could I do this whole career change/exploration process by myself? Yes. maybe. Do I want to? Not really. As I have mentioned before this can sometimes be a lonely process both because I spend a lot of my time alone but also because I don't know that many people who have done what I'm doing.

Monica was a practicing lawyer before she made the transition to being a coach. She's gone through pretty much everything that I am now and that makes her a great support system for me. She has no preconceived notions of what she thinks I should do, and she encourages me to step out and do things that are scary to me and always call me out on my stuff when I need to hear that too. It's nice having a neutral sounding board for a lot of things.

Of course the only issue with this wonderful relationship is that I have to pay for it. Monica ain't cheap. It will also eventually come to an end. Either way, I've appreciated her help.

Thanks, Monica.

June 1 (no catchy title for this post) :)

Hey there!

I've had a very busy late May (and June will be even more busy), and so I have not been writing as much as I'd like here. I also have to admit that my inspiration has been running a little low lately. I think I may be transitioning into a different phase in my little journey, so I am trying to figure out which fork in the road to take.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is the fact that people think what I am doing is easy. Well, it's not. Maybe I'm beginning to sound like a broken record here, but this job/career path search thing doesn't necessarily mean I sit at home and pop bon bons all day yelling at Oprah (although occasionally I would like to yell at Oprah). I don't want to start out this week here on the blog being angry, but I must say that I am getting a little tired of people feeling like I am chillin' here living the good life. I've had a few "comments" both verbal and written that what I am doing is somehow cushy and carefree. I will agree about that fact that Jim (my husband, not his real name) and I are not currently worried about paying our bills. We're making it. That being said, I don't really feel like what I am doing is constitutes an extended vacation.

This is %$@^#& is hard. Why? Well....

I spend most of my days alone. Most people I know have jobs and if they don't have jobs they are in school so that they can (you guessed it) find jobs. The other people I know have found a way to start their own gigs. This process in general is also pretty lonely because I often feel that I have no one to talk to about all of this. Most people I know have no clue what it's like to do real career exploration. Doing a job search is one thing, but I am in the process of possibly reinventing myself career-wise (or at least exploring that possibility) and most people I know: 1) don't understand why I'd want to do that; or 2) have never undertaken this themselves so they don't really get it. Others are ridunkilously successful themselves, so they don't really get a Thirty Something Nothing like me who's always struggled with feeling empowered in my career.

I guess people think that watching my husband work very hard everyday while I am not in the position to help; knowing that my earning potential is slowly eroding every day that I am not doing something (starting a business or working); not necessarily seeing the fruits of networking labor, yadda, yadda, yadda is wonderfully amazing. NOT! I wish I could send these people this blog post, so that they could somehow stop projecting their own staycation/funemployment fantasies on me. This is not a vacation and a lot of times it's not fun. I'm not struggling living in abject poverty alone, but this little journey of mine has its own related issues, frustrations and heartbreaks that I wish people would find the time to think about before opening their mouthes or letting the words fly across their keyboards and onto their computer screens.

Okay. Phew! I'm glad that I got that out. :) I usually don't blog like a meany or "angry", but sometimes I think you've got to put stuff out there. Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest.

More informative and (hopefully) inspiring stuff to come.

By the way...OMG..it's JUNE!!!!

Be Bold!

Hey there, all!

Just some snippets from me! If you take anything from this vlog, I hope you know that you are more powerful than you realize. :)

Have a great day and go for it!

I'm Supposed to Be...

Excited, right? I got another job interview. The problem is that I am totally weirded out. Is weirded out a word? This whole thing is throwing me out of whack. Hear me talk about it in my new vlog:

That being said, I am very thankful for the interview. I just don't know what it means for my journey. Hmmm....

Have a great weekend, and let me know if you end up going to see the "Babies" movie. :)

I'm Surrounded....

...by Babies! (I kid you not that right now in the cafe where I'm writing this, there are about four babies with ten feet of me!!)

(source)

I never thought this would happen to me, but since September I swear the whole world has decided to have babies. There have even been a few weeks where two or more babies of friends/acquaintances/random Facebook friends have been born. In addition to inducing the usual fright, hemming and hawing and my own personal inner turmoil, my personal Baby Boom has also made me think about how having children dovetails with me examining where I am in my career exploration.

I'll let you in on a secret about me: I'm pretty ambivalent about having children. Yes...I know. I feel like at "pushing 33" I should be shouting my desire from the rooftops for a baby. I'm not. In some ways, it makes me feel less womanly or like a freak, especially when I see women five to ten years younger than me proclaiming their desire to be pregnant. Part of me wishes I could be like that, but I'm not. At this point, I'm not sure if that will ever be me, and on many levels I feel like that's a bit scary. Anyhoo, I'm not getting any younger, babies are popping up everywhere in my life, and they are not going away.

I know that I'd prefer not to wait too long from now before we take the family jump. I know that there are wonderful medical advancements out there that can help alleviate fertility problems due to age or otherwise, but I don't know how I feel about those either (i.e., time, money, emotional toil vs. why not adopt a child who needs a good home?). Are you seeing a pattern of total confusion here? By the way, there are many women who conceive healthy children out there naturally or otherwise well into their forties. Jim, my husband (not his real name), has already informed me that he doesn't want to be the old man on the playground. Luckily, we live in New York City where someone who is clearly in their 40's gets called Daddy on the street pretty regularly by young children. Even knowing that I have the option to stall starting a family, I've been told that you are never really ready to have children. Apparently we're just going to have to take the plunge at some point.

Except where does this put my careers prospects? From what I am observe children are not for the faint of heart.

HOLD UP! WAIT MINUTE! Some caveats: Just to let you know, I'm going to be looking at this issue from the perspective of being a woman since, well, because I am a woman. As much as we have come far as a society, I don't still see many men struggling with whether to opt out of the workforce at some point after having children. It's not to say that there aren't men thinking about these issues, but I find them to be rare. Also I acknowledge that this is also an issue of class. Based on Jim's salary, which is sustaining us right now, we could deal with me not working BUT that presupposes that he chooses to continue with this line of work. This is not an option for many women and their families out there who are barely to make ends meet on two salaries. I just want to make sure that I acknowledge them too.

Anyway, enter the Mommy Wars which seem to be pitting women against each other based on their choices about work. It seems like a complete and total minefield: Nannies; not being able to reenter the workforce after too much time off; the costs of childcare; crappy maternity leave policies; not feeling valued because you don't work outside of the home....ACCCKKKK!!!! I'm emotionally exhausted by all of this already, and I'm not even close to being a mother!

I'm not really sure that I want to stop working after we've started a family (of course assuming we even start one, which we will...most likely). I worry about having Jim be the sole bread winner and the pressure that it could place on him. If he wants to stop his very demanding relatively lucrative job, we'll definitely need to make changes. We don't really live somewhere cheap. I hear the antidote to this to change your lifestyle or where you live. Fair enough, but we've got student loans and a mortgage and those don't go away so easily. Plus, I already lean towards the frugal side as it is. Could I be thriftier? Sure, but not by much. I've already told you that I feel kind of uncomfortable not working now. I don't see that changing too much.

I also firmly believe that I went into all of this debt and cried a few nights during law school for a reason. I know I should value education for education sake, but much of my motivation for trying to get the best education I could was to better my financial situation. Full stop. I know it doesn't sound romantic, but it's the truth. I grew up in a marginal neighborhood with a single immigrant mother. I grew up with barely just enough, and while I don't need to live a lavish life, I want to give my children a few things I didn't have and feel comfortable doing so. My mother sacrificed a lot for us to come here, and so that I could have certain opportunities. It's not to say that I can't honor and cherish that in some other ways, but I know that I am where I am because of what she did for me.

I also know that I'm contemplating a career change...umm...duh! What happens if I decide to do something that is totally brand new to me? Can I put in the man hours needed with a small child? Should I? Slogging away at a the bottom of the totem pole at a new job doesn't sound so much fun to me...period. Add a small child and OMG! Having the emotional capacity to deal with two life changes at the same time if I had to is pretty darn intimidating.

By the way, remember that job that Jim has that allows us to live comfortably? Well it requires long hours from him. Someone's gotta hold down the fort at home, and it's looking like it will be me.

Of course all of this makes me sound like the biggest narcissist that ever walked the face of the earth, but this blog is totally narcissistic anyway, right? ;)

I say this all now, but I know that it all changes when your child arrives. Maybe I'll look down at little Thirty-Something Nothing, Jr. and throw everything out of the window. I also know that this isn't an all-or-nothing zero sum game. There are many women who work out great arrangements with their jobs allowing them to have flexible schedules and lighter workloads. That being said, from what I've seen many workplaces also are NOT flexible or don't provide the opportunities to advance and take on interesting work. It seems that flexibility is a sacrifice for other things. Sigh....for such an apparently family-friendly society that we claim to be, do we really have the ability to make choices?

Anyway, this is just me rambling about babies and career stuff. I'll leave you with the trailer for the new movie "Babies", which made me melt. The four baby star/subjects are all so cute! Maybe I DO have the Mommy gene. :)

You, Me & Everybody I Know

Hmmm....

I think I've mentioned in the past that I hate writing hard posts. Exposing yourself to others isn't so much fun, but yet I keep at this blog anyway. So let me make a feeble attempt to write about something that is hard for me:

Comparing myself to others.

Comparing yourself to others is like the self-esteem Kiss of Death, but wouldn't you agree that it's quite hard to resist? The worst past of this for me is that I know WAAAY too many professionally successful people. My friends and acquaintances make law firm partner at 30; testify before Congress; start successful businesses and non-profits; are neurosurgeons; call the President "Barack" and not while they are on the couch watching "60 Minutes;" and are overall bad asses. Yet, here I am barely able to figure out what to do next career-wise. Did I tell you that many of these people are my age or younger? Maybe I need to meet a whole new group of people. ;) To say that I feel a certain level of inadequacy when I think about some of these people is a little bit of an understatement.

By the way, I like to not think about this as jealousy. Jealousy to me suggests that I want what others have. I assure you that I don't want to be a law firm partner (ha!). Although testifying before Congress wouldn't be such a bad thing. :) But seriously, this is more my longing for wanting to feel like I am making a valuable contribution somewhere professionally and ('cause can I have an ego for a second? Thanks!) to get recognized for it in some small way. I don't think that's too much to ask, but perhaps it is. When I see these people, I don't want their jobs or success rather it makes me wonder: When is my time?

I wish I could tell you that I have some wonderful advice about how to combat this, but all I can do is just list for you what I try to remind myself. Usually my bouts of "You're sort of a loser, TSN" go away pretty instantly, but I like preventative mini-mantras like these:

1. There is always going to be someone out there better than you at something. In other words, be humble. There is always going to be someone you might think is more successful or better at something than you are. It doesn't mean that you're not amazing. You bring something totally different to the table.

2. Be thankful for what you do have. The grass is always greener; just be happy you even HAVE grass! I try to practice thankfulness, and some days I am better at it than others. I do recognize that having a professional path is NOT the only thing in life. Hello! I've got a great family, supportive, loving husband and seem to be going through a period of abundance in life right now (even without a job..go figure!). Allow me an indulgence and let me say that I feel blessed right now. I have no idea what else is going on in these power brokers lives, and it may not be much to speak of. If anything, what I have is pretty darn good if not ideal.

3. Tunnel vision ain't so bad, but don't let it hold you back. Keeping your focus on bettering yourself AND encouraging and supporting others is really the way to go. Whenever I can, I meet with, talk to or provide networking opportunities to anyone I can. I'm motivated by the belief that whatever energy you put out into the world will come back to you. Even if it doesn't directly, I think the person you helped will hopefully help someone else creating this lovely little web of good vibes. Sorry for the cheese factor, but I think you know what I mean. And, no, I've never seen "Pay it Forward." :)

Well this wasn't so bad. I hope you all don't think I am a complete knuckle head for writing this, but I'm sure that many of us think about this at some point in our journeys.

So am I just jealous, and I don't want to come clean with myself? What do you do make sure you don't compare yourself to others?

A Not So Chipper 30 Something Nothing

Hey, All!

I'm just vloggin' to say hello. I'm not so chipper today, but I miss you all. Here's a vlog to let you know what's going on with me.

If you're having a bad week in your journey, I'm right there with you! It will all be okay. Do something therapeutic! However, if you are like me and use red velvet cake to soothe, make sure you do something healthy for yourself later. :)

Also Happy Earth Day!

*BOING*

(source)

That is the sound of me hitting a wall.

I've been doing this "search" now for a little over two months, and I'm going to let you know that the last two weeks have been pretty hard. I wish I could say that I have answers and that I actually totally know what I am doing here, but I don't. What's holding me back?

1. Everyone I know does the same thing - While I love my friends, most of them are lawyers, work in non-profits or are professors with a few in government and medicine. Maybe I'm not pestering them enough, but many of them don't seem to know anyone who works in a few of the areas I'm examining for my transition. Is this is a product of people in similar careers socializing together or maybe I've got an uncreative group of friends? :) Remember my disdain for networking? Well I am still getting over it albeit pretty slowly. I've got a couple of informational interview-like "talks" lined up, but there are lots of real world experiences that I want to ask people about and can't without some more contacts. I'll keep chipping away and trying to break through. Granted, it probably doesn't help that I haven't told some of my friends either. Maybe I should work on that. :)

2. I can see the good and bad in everything - This is supposed to be a good thing right? Unfortunately, my legal education has given me the ability to see the good and bad in just about every possible situation and that includes career choices. While I may find something like real estate development intriguing and do have some kind of a background in it, I don't know if I would really want to work in a career that's very numbers based. I am fighting the urge (and my bad habit) to have this paralyze me completely into inaction 'cause I surely would let that happen. I've been working through my paralysis with my "friend" Monica (who I'll describe later), but right now this seems to be the biggest challenge for me.

3. Everything seems interesting - That should make my process easier, but it doesn't. You see I was the type of kid who read the TV Guide (the articles, not the actual TV listings!), so I have always been an information hoarder. I can get interested in a topic quite easily. I guess I maybe I am exaggerating here. I don't find everything under the sun interesting, but amongst my career possibilities it's hard to distinguish between what's fun and games and what's my true next career or job. Many of the career advice pieces and books that I've been reading talk about finding your "PASSION." If I read that word one more time, I think I might keel over!!!! I actually I'll talk about passion or lack thereof (or having the same passion as everyone else) in another post.

4. I think I'm already tired - Yep. It pains me to write this, but I think I am ALREADY tired of this process, which is hysterical to me. It's only been two months! What the heck am I complaining about? Perhaps this is also a symptom of the winter doldrums as well. I did start doing this in the dead of what has been both a snowy and cold NYC winter. That means a lot of grays days, inside my apartment in my PJs trying to stay warm without very much human interaction for a long period of time. Maybe warmer weather will help? I always find reading in the park or outside in my balcony more comforting than down ten cups of tea to stay warm. I'm also going to easy on myself and remind little 'ol me that this process is also emotionally draining. Thinking about the future and not really knowing what to do next can be overwhelming and downright taxing for someone like me who thrives on direction and focus.

At this point, I'm fighting to get break through the wall. Luckily, I've got a trip to Las Vegas coming up this week to take my mind off of things. Walking around aimlessly and staring at hotel monstrosities should do the trick, right?

(source)

When you hit an emotional wall in your life, what do you do? Suggestions welcome!

P.S. Thanks for those out there who are reading. I appreciate you, and hope that you'll stay with me on this journey. I also won't take a month off again, or at least try not to. :)

I Lie

I am a liar. Well, I like to not think about it as lying, but I have not told many people that I am no longer working. Essentially to cover my tracks, I have selectively lied to some people. I shouldn't say that I have lied really. In some cases, I just haven't really been dissuading folks from thinking a certain ideas about my job status. Hey, if you want to think that I am still traveling for work, please go right ahead. Luckily, I have not had to lie to that many people yet, but I will if I need to. Why? Well for self-protection against things like judgment, unsolicited advice and pity.

I know a lot of people in my parents' generation don't really think about things like job satisfaction. You went out and got a job; you kept it until you died or got a pension; and that was it. I'm sorry to be an older person snob, and I actually think there are people in my age bracket who are like this too; I just don't know that many of them. For many who have the blessing of a job right now, I think the idea that that you'd quit that job in Ye Olde Recession is crazy. How could I, Thirty-Something Nothing, do that to myself? Yes. I don't really want that conversation right now with anyone because I don't really feel the need to justify my actions to anyone.

I don't want anyone's unsolicited advice. EVERYONE has their own idea of what you're supposed to do in terms of job searches and achieving career satisfaction (or not needing to achieving it). Nine times out of ten they will let you know this. Everyone's got an opinion. I can't really say that I am ready to digest others opinions right now. I am still trying to figure out my own stance on what this process is supposed to be and what I really want to get out of it (simply a new job or a new career totally?).

I don't want anyone's pity. Most everyone who has told me that they admire my bravery and balls (for lack of a better word) in deciding to go through this process. I am sure I am creating a complete and total falsehood in my brain about whether or not people pity me for not having direction or a job, but it's there.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't think most people will understand what I am doing and why. Sometimes I can barely understand it myself. When people don't understand things, I find that they judge, make unnecessary comments or bring their own perspectives and emotions into the mix.

Since I'm not ready for others' "stuff" because I am still dealing with mine, I've decided to just keep everyone in the dark...at least for a little while longer.

This is all too bad because I hate lying.

What would you do if you were me? I know I have can sometimes have a warped sense of people, so feel free to call me out on it.